I got Grandkids!

Last week, Saturday the 14th to be exact, was a monumental occasion for me in every sense of the word. It was a very important link in a chain of events that have turned my life around. In a good way. I was going to post about it the day after but for some reason I didn't get around to it. I never got around to it until now, and even now I don't think I'll be saying as much about it as I could probably say. That's because it's a long story filled with just as much pain as happiness. It would take me a few hours to set it out like it needs to be told and even then I don't know if I could explain it adequately. My version would be extremely biased and though I normally wouldn't let that stop me I thought it best to hold back for that reason as well. The occasion?

I saw my grandchildren for the first time on Saturday, April 14, 2012. I have a grandson, Joshua, who is 6 years old, and an 8 year old daughter named Jordan. I'd seen lots of pictures of them since regaining contact with my daughter. I knew a little bit about both of them. But last week was the first time I met them, talked with them, played with them.

What a handful, eh? I'd forgotten what it was like to spend a few hours in the rowdy company of energetic youngsters whose greatest desire at the time is to show you all of their toys. I'm fine with that...in fact I loved it when I was raising Bryan. But that was a long time ago so I'm definitely out of practice. Didn't take too long to get back in the swing.

Of course we took a few pictures of the occasion and I had originally wanted to post one here but on second thought decided it would be better not to seeing as how they are so young. I would have misgivings even if I'd secured permission from my daughter so sorry, no photos of the grandkids.

First, I find my daughter on the Internet. Second, we develop a relationship through facebook messages. Third, the relationship evolves as we begin speaking on the phone regularly. Fourth, we get together in person for the first time in many, many years (and I meet her husband). And now, my grandkids are finally part of my life, something which I thought would come about much later but I'm satisfied with the way it all turned out.

I've spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with all of this. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic about the whole thing. It's a lot of answered prayers and dreams come true. But I'm still having some difficulty trying to get a grip on the dynamics of the relationship, as I'm sure is the case for my daughter, as well. There was still some tension between the two of us...oh, I forgot...she invited me into her home, which may not sound like much to anyone who hasn't worked hard to regain confidence and restore a relationship, but as I see it the gesture is a vote of confidence (whether she realizes it or not) that tells me I'm on the right track. I've given her the opportunity to steer the course of the relationship since it first started.

The problem, as I see it, is the absence of shared experience. There's that huge, gaping hole of time when we could have been growing together, figuring out  what makes each other tick. All that time when we would have naturally grown comfortable in each other's presence is gone and there's no getting it back. That's kind of depressing, but on the other hand I guess discovering it should be exciting. I suppose it is, but she lives almost 2 hours from me. I don't have the means to go that far for regular visits. I need to spend as much time with her as is humanly possible to make up for what was lost. If she were even 50 miles from me I would go see her every day of the week...or at least every day that she wanted me to be there. I like to think that she feels the same way I do and would actually enjoy spending huge chunks of time with me.

When I talk about "shared experience" I'm not really trying to describe anything significant. Sitting together and watching a couple of DVDs, comfortable with each other's company. That would do worlds of good in easing the pressure of wondering "how to act" towards each other. Or to a movie, or a concert, or even just hanging out at Barnes & Noble for a couple of hours. My wife said something about us camping at Eufala lake. What she was actually suggesting was that we set up camp there and I could go visit her, since she lives fairly close to the lake, and it wouldn't be so much of a drive. I could stay longer or whatever. Somehow I got the impression that she was talking about my family and hers camping together...and I thought that would be a great idea. She agreed, it would, but now I think about it, my son would probably be uncomfortable in such a situation...not necessarily the situation but being with me in the situation. He's very obviously uncomfortable in my presence.

Which brings me to another dynamic in the relationship between my daughter and I. It kind of ties in with the last one. I am dealing with a teenage boy right now and it has effected almost every aspect of my life. It has not been easy. But when I feel like I have had enough and can't stand anymore I think about the years he was growing up, how close we were, how easy it was to communicate with him. That's all history, but at least I know that it won't be too long before this adolescent phase will be just as much so. The way I relate to him when that happens will be informed by all those different stages...

My daughter is 26 years old. I not only missed the growing up stages, I also didn't have to deal with whatever adolescent angst she surely displayed. I don't know how I would have reacted to it or what kind of impression it would have left on me in the way I would have communicated with her in the following years. Then there are those first few years of true independence she's already lived through. How do I work with that? Not to sound ungrateful or harsh, but it really is like talking with a stranger.

That is probably the key to understanding any uncomfortableness between she and I. We're basically strangers to each other. We've been working on making that a little less so, but it's not easy and it will take some time. Time we have given it, though, as we didn't really start talking on the phone until almost 5 years of facebook messaging. I have always been under the impression that something like this takes time.  I know I'm right about that. Even it was frustrating for me to wait for her to green-light a personal visit I knew what I was doing was necessary. I still believe I was, and am right.

I also believe that this time next year I won't need to be writing anything like this. It's a long drive, to be sure, but it didn't seem all that long heading up there last week (if you don't count the hassles I had getting lost on the way) and I kind of doubt it will feel that way in the future. What I need to do is have my old blue Saturn checked out, replace the broken CD player and get new tires. I'm sure I would have already resolved to go even a couple of times a week if I had thought of that by now. The wife drives about 50 miles a day to and from work, we really don't want to add miles to the "good" car. The Saturn has more miles on it that there are grains of sand on the beach. It's never, and I mean never had any serious problems. I would recommend a Saturn to anyone. Yeah, I think I'll get it fixed and ready, because I'm gonna see my little girl one way or another. Better more often than less.

And of course I'll want to see my grandkids. The ones I originally began this post writing about. Maybe soon I will get used to the idea of being a grandfather. As old as I feel (an unreasonable estimate) I still can't believe I'm old enough to be "gramps".