The trip to Grand Prairie, Sigur Ros concert 4/7-9/13

So, I'd been looking forward to the concert ever since it was first announced and we bought tickets. Originally it was going to be all three of us. Bryan and I were obviously not going to miss it, but I was surprised when Stacie said she wouldn't mind going along if it wouldn't make Bryan uncomfortable. You know, being seen out in public with the parents seems to be a real issue around here, as I assume it is the same with a lot of 17 year olds. She said she wanted to go because it would be something different. She hadn't been to a show like this before and I guess we kind of absorbed her into the camp of Sigur Ros fans by playing their music in the car so much while she drove. So I thought that was pretty cool and Bryan was okay with it. When he gave me his answer he said, "I'm not a little kid anymore, you know!" That was funny in it's own particular way and I had to try not to laugh.

The tickets went on sale in November, I think it was. For a concert that wasn't going to happen until early April. So yes, the wait was a long one. Surprisingly it didn't seem that way. I put it out of my head, didn't really think about it much until a few days beforehand.

Unforeseen scheduling issues came around and Bryan was unable to go. I know he was disappointed but oddly he didn't seem too shook up. Not nearly as shook up as I would have been. This meant we were stuck with a third ticket and nothing to do with it. I don't have any friends in these parts that are Sigur Ros fans and even if I did they would have to make plans for a Dallas trip we couldn't have helped them with. I wanted my daughter to come but I couldn't expect her to be able to find someone to watch the kids and scramble up a hotel room on what was relatively short notice.  I put it up on Craigslist about a week and a half before the show but I've never used that service and for all I know the ad didn't even get published. There was the possibility of selling it at the show to anyone who was looking for a single ticket. I didn't feel comfortable selling it someone I'd have to sit next to for the entirety of the performance so I wasn't keen on that idea. As it turned out there wasn't anyone looking for a seat. Upon further deliberation I concluded that the $15 parking fee could have contributed to that situation. Who is going to pay $15 in hopes of getting a ticket? We wound up eating the $50 we paid for it. I chose to look at it in two ways. Number one, the wife would have an empty seat next to her which would be more comfortable. And number two, I figured even if we cut it in half and added it to the regular ticket price, $75 was still a really, really good price to pay for such an essential concert.

We left early Sunday morning with a reservation at a Howard Johnson hotel...

Well, we THOUGHT it was a Howard Johnson hotel. It turned out to be a Howard Johnson MOTEL in a neighborhood that, though it didn't seem too poor, was not exactly filled with places to see and things to do. I was very concerned upon entering the office that the motel would turn out to be less-than-inviting. Bad enough that we were both disappointed it wasn't an actual hotel. Don't know how we could have made such a mistake when we reserved it.

Still, the room wasn't so bad. It seemed clean enough. It might not have been luxurious but wouldn't be too terrible to spend a couple of nights in. The only real concern I had was that the water was slightly discolored. It was like the water in our town becomes when the river shifts and the fine dirt gets on the line. I'm sure the Howard Johnson water issue was similar and even it wasn't as bad as we've experienced here. I wondered if all of Grand Prairie's water supply was similarly "tainted". I kind of hoped it was...

Monday morning, the day of the concert, we sat around goofing off for a good chunk of the morning. When lunch time came around we couldn't be bothered so we decided to eat a large "lunch/dinner" in the mid-afternoon and maybe get something small after the show.

Don't ask me why, I don't even know myself...we wound up at the Golden Corral. Ugh. Nothing against Golden Corral in general, but the food isn't exactly remarkable. It's good if you're really hungry and want to pig out. The salad bar is good, if you don't mind eating off of a salad bar. But I always walk out feeling awful, or maybe it's an hour or so before I start feeling awful...I just know that many is the time I've said "never again". It was all my doing this time. I'll take the blame. Stacie wanted Chili's and in retrospect I seriously wish I'd followed her lead...hell, there was a Chili's not 200 feet from the Corral we ate at...It's bad enough we made that choice but to have made it on a real vacation, when you'd think we could "shoot the moon", was practically a sin.

This area (and maybe Grand Prairie in general, I don't know) is very much a Latino community. That whole damn Golden Corral was packed with Latinos. There couldn't have been 10 caucasions in the bunch. Which, of course, I have no problem with. It's cool...but then again it was quite disorienting to hear every conversation taking place in the restaurant being spoken in Spanish. It was, I suppose, a "shoe-on-the-other-foot" moment. Food quality, however, knows no geographical boundaries and this was some of the worst. Just one look at the salad bar and I knew immediately that I would not be eating from it...which was disappointing because that's usually what I load up on. I wound up sampling the taco salad & chili which I had hoped would be better, having originated in a Latino restaurant, than your typical Golden Corral. That turned out not to be the case. I should have known that GC's food is all the same anywhere and everywhere.

We got to the theatre and, as alluded to above, were greeted by a team of parking lot attendants enforcing the $15 parking fee signs. Of course we had no idea it would cost us to park because the lot is adjacent to the venue and obviously it's not owned by anyone other than the theatre. So I guess they're the ones reaping the profits. At any rate we did not have $15 in cash on hand. Apparently the policy allowed in such cases is that you give them your driver's license and get cash from the ATM inside then bring it out to exchange for your license. What if someone didn't have the cash OR the money in the bank? Or what if they just didn't have their credit card with them? Would they have to turn around and leave having already paid for a ticket? We did as we were told, feeding even more money into the ATM charge and the money our bank would tack on would be even more.

But it was Sigur Ros, so we never gave it a second thought.

The show was magnificent, as I knew it would be. Jonsi's voice was in fine form, the sound was exceptionally well mixed even if it was much, much too loud. The song selection was good (really hoped they'd play "Glosoli", which was the first of a two-song encore). Light show was jaw dropping, to put it mildly. They had an opening act...a one man vintage synth drone musician known as Onethrix Point Never. I hate to be negative about someone trying to do something new and different, but his set was very boring. It was a tedious wait for the band to take the stage, but once they did time flew by way too fast.

We decided the day before that we were going to avoid the heavy Dallas Interstate traffic entirely if at all possible. God I hate that traffic. I'm not that good of a driver and my nerves always get the best of me. We google a route that would avoid highways and even though it added another hour to our arrival time I felt it would be well worth it. A few commercial roads and farm roads, it was so much better than I-35 etc. Google got it wrong a couple of times and we almost got lost, but the MapQuest GPS saved the day. Those Texas farm-to-market roads are barren in some places.

We did make it home, though, and glad to see it we were.

Dream Journal: the Jonsi Daisy Chain

Last night I dreamed I went to a Jonsi concert with my friend Tristan Shutt.  It was a typical venue but something seemed a little "off". The first thing we saw that was out of the ordinary was the seating. Very organized rows of office chairs directly in front of the stage instead of the floor area crowded with the hardcore fans (where we would have been). Tristan sought out and found a choice seat on the end of a row very close to the stage. So close that I worried the volume of the music would make my ears ring for the next month. Then I thought, not for the first time, "well, it's a Jonsi show and will be worth it".

The stage was fairly large, lined with lights that stretched all the way round. When they slowly came up, accompanied by the "overture" music, a long line of leprechauns hopped, skipped and ran from left to right in front of us. Small leprechauns, much smaller than midgets. Obviously part of the show, or so we figured because next thing you know there are "normal sized" people following them, trotting merrily, laughing. The line just kept on going round and then we realized that the leprechauns had been joined by people in the audience, who would randomly jump up and join the chain.

I turned to Tristan to see if he had caught on. Of course he had and to my surprise he jumped up himself and joined the fray.

So I'm sitting there, seeing all this craziness unfold around me, the whole place just filled with laughter and childish fun. I'm not the only one still sitting but the number of abstainers was dwindling. I thought, "that looks like so much fun, but I can't do that. It's just not 'me'. I'd look like a fool." So I watched, amused.

Then I had that thought again..."well, it's a Jonsi show. It will be worth it." And "worth what? The embarrassment  Everyone else is doing it, who is there to be embarrassed for?" It was with a great degree of surprise when I found myself actually considering doing it. But I held back and stood my ground.

For about thirty seconds...

I couldn't help it. It was actually like pushing down a wall to get to the other side, still convinced that I was doing the wrong thing, maybe that I'd regret it. But all these people were hopping and skipping...Tristan was out there with them...I basically said "what the hell", got up and started running in the circle, leaning to the left like I was taking a sharp turn on a Harley.

I laughed like a fool. Like a madman! So much so that I was seriously hoping noone would think I actually was crazy. I laughed so hard that I cried in the mix. I don't think I've laughed so hard since listening to a Richard Pryor record when I was in high school. Or maybe in an elevated situation with a close circle of friends back in the early 90s. No, running around those ordered office chairs in the theater was the most fun thing I'd ever done, I'd never laughed so hard in my life.

I was still whooping it up in the dream when I woke up. Sometimes when I'm really frightened at the end of a dream I will make grunting/groaning noises before I wake up. After this dream I was sure I'd come out laughing. But as it turned out I didn't make a sound (according to the reliable testimony of my wife). I was quite surprised I didn't because, as I've said, my inhibitions, fortified as they are, were shed like dirty clothes at the end of the day.

The crazy thing is that Jonsi never took the stage in my dream. If that daisy chain had lasted a couple hours I would not have even cared (much as I love Jonsi). Then again I don't think I could have lasted even another hour doing that crazy locomotion before fatally busting a gut.

What does it mean? What would Carl Jung say? Maybe Sigmund Freud could cast some illumination on what surely must been a revelation directly from the deepest well of my subconscious? Or is it something much simpler than that? Something that even someone who doesn't know me could figure out and explain based on nothing more than what I've written here? Then again there is always the probability that it means absolutely nothing. Just a great, fun dream, a treat from the psyche, unused to such frolics.

Of course the last explanation is the logical one. No one likes to realize he's a fuddy duddy who may not even know how to have fun anymore. This dream practically screams "THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!!!" but I'll ignore it and just "stay in my seat". Like my butt is glued to it. Like my shoes are nailed to the floor and I can't reach them because my back is super-glued to the chair as well. I've been in this unenviable position for so long that I have no idea who put me there or why, only that time has convinced me that I'll never break free, never melt the glue or pry the nails from the ground. And that, my friends, is depression. So a dream like this is not so much a reminder of "what could be" (it never could) as it is "what once was", even if that was long, long ago as a little child playing "ring around the rosey" and whirling around in a daisy chain.

Then of course it could just be symbolic of the joy we'll enter into once we give up our bodies, tied to this paradigm/reality/experience as we all are. If such is the case, all I can say is that all the pain and suffering we've been burdened with in our lifetimes will have been worth it all. If this freedom from inhibition is the normal state of mind in "Heaven" indeed we have much to look forward to and nothing to fear in death.

That's the "dream interpretation" I'd prefer. But it's the "fuddy-duddy" one I'm tempted to believe.

Jimmy Idle...lost record covers

A trio of albums from my rock-god alter-ego Jimmy Idle.

"A BLOOD SACRIFICE, MY FRIEND"

"JIMMY IDLE: THE SELF-TITLED ALBUM"

"YEAH, I'M A BAD-ASS!"

Photo Gallery June 19, 2012

Time to roll out some random pictures from my "Disposable" folder. I recently read the last post in my previous blog which was sort of laying out a plan for what one could expect from this one. For the most part I think I've remained true to that vision, with just a little tweaking to direct most of it's content towards sons, daughters, grandsons, granddaughters, on and on down the line until the Internet shuts down or Blogger deletes my account due to inactivity. Anyway, what I was going to say is that the description of this blog included a lot more random and/or personal photographs than I've posted. 

I will correct that as of right now. Much more to come, I'm sure. Especially seeing as how we're going to Branson in a couple of weeks and I'll likely come back with tons of pictures to choose from and post.

The Uptown Theater, Kansas City, on the night I saw Sigur Ros for the second time.
I'm hoping that the next time I can post a photo of the venue where I see them
it will be one that is much, much closer to home.

Hands down the best series on television.
It's the only one I watch.
Unfortunately I ditched cable and am missing the 5th season. 

A visit to Hamburger King.
The place practically smells of grease, but the best burgers I've ever eaten.
The phone, btw, is to place your orders with. Pretty cool, no?

"Admiral Fell Promises" by Sun Kil Moon
Got this when it first came out but for some reason didn't listen much.
I'm rectifying that. Great record.

A self-portrait.
Bruce Springsteen "Working on a Dream" tour t-shirt.
Cool "crumpled paper" photo effect makes me look so much better.

Sireeno Kin.
He looks pretty cute with a rawhide bone in his mouth, doesn't he?
He's a good dog. Most of the time.

A remnant from the days when I first got a photo editor.
It was a cheap one and didn't have a whole you could do with it
but it was fun and yielded some oddities such as this..

Happy Father's Day

"Melancholia" Side A

"Melancholia" is a collection of songs I wrote and recorded between December 7-14, 1988. I  always thought of it as a proper "album" although the recording quality was far from being good enough to actually consider releasing. For that matter the performances aren't all that great. Many of the songs sound alike, as I was just then learning how to manipulate the D chord a little bit. It was recorded on a flimsy little cassette recorder in the shed my father built in our back yard when we first moved into the house. The last couple of years had found me committed, albeit voluntarily, in a mental hospital, staying in an assisted living facility and playing in one of the best bands I've ever been a part of over the summer. I'm not real sure where my head was at when I wrote this music. I had written a couple of songs that were good enough to use in the band and it's likely I hoped to pitch some of these to them, having left a few months before. The material was fresh when I recorded it, if memory serves. 

I've always been happy with "Melancholia" for what it is/was. I decided to publish the song lyrics here because even though there are some real clunkers in the mix, there are also some decent lines, maybe even a whole song or two (at most). Plus they kind of give a bit of insight into where my mind was at back then. Not a very happy picture, overall. Oh, well. Welcome to my world. Actually that's not fair, because a lot of the sentiment in "Melancholia" is juvenile, pretentious and posturing. That's what I had going for me in the late 80s.

"CIRCLES"  

This is the last time, nowhere left to turn

So let's walk to the south side and watch the crosses burn

I'm left with no feeling or reason to go on

I can see your face in fire and I know what went wrong

I'm running around in circles...'round and 'round we go

You ask me where I'm going to but I don't even know

I'm just runnin' around, not getting anywhere

Running around in circles

I tried to tell you but you wouldn't hear me out

Sometimes to get to you you know I think I have to shout

(Hey! Hey!)

You say this attitude is getting in the way 

You can blame my attitude when I'm lying in the grave

(Hey!)

Running around in circles...'round and 'round we go

You ask me where you're going to but I don't know

You're just runnin' around in circles, you're not getting anywhere

Running around in circles

I think I have to shout

I think I'll have to shout

I think I'll have to shout

Shout

"CONSISTENCY"

There are things I still don't understand

Happy couples walking hand in hand

Diderot's "Rameau's Nephew" "D'Alambert's Dream"

I read it a hundred times and still don't see

As it was before it soon believes

What I'd give for some consistency

And the lights go out

And the lies come down

And I still can make no sense of it at all

The thoughts are in my head are so surreal

I'm trying to sort out the way I feel

I see machines when I close my eyes

I can't sleep no matter how I try

I don't think you're listening, no

What I'd give for some consistency

And the lights go out

And the lies come down

And I still can make no sense of it at all
(...sense of it all...no sense of it at all)

And the lies come out

And the lights go down

And we still can make no sense of it at all

"SAM, YOU KNOW SHE'S DYING"

Sam, you know she's dying

And there's nothing you can do so let her go

The family's in the front room crying

Well it took so long but now I think they know

How do we tell her parents?

And how can we tell all her kids?

How will we tell anyone who gave a damn?

Because nobody did

Sam, you know she's dying

Her eyes are closed, she's comatose and grey

Well, I bet you thought that I was lying

But there's truth in every morbid word I say

It's too late now

And all her letters home you never read

They won't change a thing or resurrect that feeling

Or bring her back to you...she's dead

(...she's dead)

Sam, you know she's dying

Sam, you know...

"COLD WAR"

I looked into your empty faces

I saw it through your hollow eyes

They take me to familiar places

Like Heaven falling from the sky

I need to know there's something more

Answers we're not ready for

The congregation marches down the street

In a cold war

It's come to envelope us all

And just the realization

Could save country from a fall...

Annihilation

I need to know there's something new

Something we're prepared to do

Forced to kill to make a point

It's just another job for you

These hordes that gather nightly

To fade into a scene

Avoiding just to spite me

Afraid of what they've seen

It's come to envelope us all

And just the realization

Could save, save this country from a fall

"CLOWNS"

The stone-still faces and the shallow eyes

I've grown accustomed to

I hear the people laughing, their mocking sound always

Reminds me of you

I know they're laughing at me

And I've known it all along

I'm laughing, too

I try to reassess the situation and look at it

From every side

I live in desperation and when I hear your voice

I realize

I know you're laughing at me

And I've known it all along

I'm laughing, too

You're laughing at me
It's enough to make me cry

And I do

You're laughing at me

You're laughing at me

"MARK WHITE'S DEAD"

HEYYYYY!

Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!

Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!

He had no soul. He was a real asshole

He had no soul. He was a fuckin' asshole

Asshole!

Oh, Lord forgive me I know I have sinned but I

Just couldn't help it, he was getting on my nerves

Mark White's dead and nobody cares

Mark White's dead...nobody cares

Nobody cares

All of his friends were gone in the end

All of his friends were gone in the end

All of his friends were gone

When I killed him

Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!

Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!

"LESSONS"

Talked about the Golden Rule, I thought I had it down

Never called my brothers "fool" until they weren't around

Then I finally realized that I was just like them

And all the ones I criticized are teaching me again

These are the lessons that I've learned

These are the lessons that I've learned

These are the lessons that I've learned

Wished upon a lucky star and saw it falling down

I'm still wondering where you are, lying on the ground

Luck and hope are fantasies and dreams that don't come true

I have learned it painfully but I still wait for you

These are the lessons that I've learned

These are the lessons that I've learned

These are the lessons that I've learned

I've learned...I've learned

Wishing on a lucky star for you

Waiting 'til the end of time for you

"SOMEONE"

Is it too much for me to expect? 

Is there anyone who really understands?

I'm drowning and the audience just cheers

No one's reaching out for my hand

All I really need is someone who cares about me

All I want, all I need is

Someone

"We're not paid to have concern for you

You can't expect that from us"

I have no expectations now

Not hope or faith or trust...trust

If somehow I cried out to you

In a hopeless, desperate way

I don't think you would understand even then

I heard you laughing...you're laughing when I say

All I really need is someone who cares about me

All I want, all that I need is

Someone who cares

Who cares...

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

"LITTLE GIRL"

It could have been her mother holding her hand

But she seemed so much older, I don't understand

On the radio they told me who she was

Now I gotta have her simply just  because

I need a little girl...little girl

I need a little girl...little girl

She's old enough to be a mother, too

And I think I'd love her more than I love you

I'd like to hold her...I could be her man

She's got another woman by the hand

I need a little girl...alright

I need a little girl...a little girl

Little girls got crazy little looks

Got their little notepads and their little black books

Make me turn around and take another look

Another look

(Gotta turn the page, said Bob Seger...I like what I see)

Gotta be a reason for the way I feel

Sometimes I think I'm dreaming, that she can't be real

But I see her coming, I don't know where to start

I take their love...I tear it apart

Cause I need a little girl...just a little bit

A little girl...a little bit

And I want her...shit, I gotta have her

Need a little girl...just a little

(Hey, over there, I know you're not here, but Hi anyway!)

"KARI KARI"

I want to read her diary

And I want to read her poetry

I wanna get inside behind the shadow in her eyes

With open eyes she still can't see

She just smiles back at me

She's just like all the rest and I'll listen to all of her lies

Ooh, I want her for my own...like all the other guys do

Ooh, I want to call my own the sadness in her eyes

I want to find her address

I wanna ask her to marry me

I want to call her on the telephone and see if she's real

The phone rang twenty times

I loved her for her mind

No answer to justify the stupid way I feel

Ooh, I want her for my own...like all the other guys do

Ooh, I want to call my own the sadness in her eyes

The phone rang twenty times

I loved her for her mind

No answer to justify the stupid way I feel

"PILLS AND ALCOHOL"

Grown immune to change, I'm changing everyday

The blood that flowed so freely doesn't wash away

A stain that turns from crimson into something close to grey

Makes me want to laugh at you...makes me want to change

Can you take it seriously?

I just want to laugh

And I think He's smiling, too

I know you're talking about me and I know you're watching me

I oscillate from the thought that you might like what you see

I can look in the mirror and see someone I never knew

It's the same feeling I get when I'm looking at you

And I'm looking at you

And I'm looking to you

And I'm looking through you

And I'm looking through you

And I'm looking right through you

Right through you

No solutions in sight...pills and alcohol

No solution in sight, just pills and alcohol

Pills and alcohol... pills and alcohol

Pills and alcohol

I just wanna laugh at you

I just wanna laugh at you

"GAMES"

I was gonna leave until you caught my eye

With a wink you pulled me back into your velvet life

All the doors are locked, the windows closed and sealed

Can't get in or out of this crazy way I feel

And it seems so strange

I'm still not tired of your games

I've lost again

These are games I'll never win

You spoke of love, I know you spoke the truth

I sat for hours listening to you

Love letters and poetry that didn't rhyme

We were so anesthetized by time

Today I saw it as you walked right out of the room

Your smile had faded, you knew you were wrong

And it's always been the same

We both play our stupid little games

I've lost again

But these are games I'll never win

"WE DREAMED"

Your happiness forced, we've come to an end

The years that are left we only pretend

A smile or a hope uncomfortably rare

A dream we've forgotten...an unanswered prayer

We dreamed of a future bright as the sun

Each day as the first, we'd only just began

We dreamed of forever no matter the cost

We woke up together, another dream lost

Another dream lost

Death draws us closer while age tears apart

No more love songs and no broken hearts

You'll finally rest and leave me behind

Accustomed by now to living alone

"UNTITILED"

Happy is as happy was and all my songs sound alike

"DISTANCE AND DREAMING"

-instrumental-

"TO AUBREY"

(lyrics are improvised and mostly indecipherable)


Side B follows in the preceding post...

"Melancholia" side B

"THE LIGHT IS FADING"


I take this seriously...these things you understand
You think I'm special but I am just a man
Not much of one at that...so many times I've failed
(unintelligible)

The light is fading slowly
In the distance, in an instant, in the sun
I'm a liar, I'm the fool, I'm the one

The taste of blood is not sweet...did you know it's on your breath
The sick, sweet smell of poison, the aftertaste of death
I take this seriously...is there something wrong?
Please let me know...I heard it in a song
(...in a song)

The light is fading
In the distance, in an instant, in the sun
I'm a liar, I'm the fool, I'm the one


"HOUSE"


(This is the House...here we go...)

House...House...House...House...
Home...Home...Home...Home...
House....House....House....House...House... House
Home...Home...Home...Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!

House...House...House...
My house is not a home
It's not a home
Home...Home...House...Hahaha...House
This house is not a home
Home
House is not a home
It's just a house
It's not even a nice house
It's not even a big house
It's sure ain't the White House

It's not a house, it's my home
It's my home...Home?
House!
House house house!
Hey, can you hear me out there?
I'm talking about my home
I'm talking about wonderin' how to play the guitar with some confidence
Confidence in my house
House...I'm talking about the house
And the house on the hill
And the house in hell
The home of the devil and all his sweet demons
And all his...mutha...
In the house....House....House....House....

How am I going to end this song?
I'll sing about my home...home...
In my
HOUSE!!!!!!!!


"AS IT SEEMED"


Love is real in storybooks and pictures in my mind
In the world it's not the same, and so, so hard to find
If we dream of love and peace we only fool ourselves
And we reach our dying day in our own private hell

Seems so real we want to believe
In the end we've been deceived
Love is only real in our dreams
And nothings as it seemed

I love you and you love me, like some romantic song
That I used to sing for you...I believed it for too long
And now the truth creeps in on me and now I realize
The stories told in Sunday school were lies

Seems so real we want to believe
But in the end we've only been deceived
Love is only real in our dreams
Nothing's as it seemed
Nothings as it seemed

I wanna ask her to marry me
I wanna see if she's real
No answer to justify...


"ALL TOMORROW' S PARTIES"


words and music by Lou Reed


"LOVE WILL TEAR US APART"


lyrics by Ian Curtis
music by Curtis, Sumner, Hook, Morris


"DISCOVERY"


Understand
We search for a reason
In the rain that falls on your head
Longing to fly
In every direction
Held down
(unintelligible)

This was your goal
Yes, this was your freedom
This is your life
Uncomfortably numb
No vision, no prayers
No reason to go on
You wait for an answer that just doesn't come

Freedom discovery...screaming discovery
Design discovery...challenge discovery
Discovery

Still you won't cry
You cling to your manhood
Or some set of rules
That makes you feel right
It comes from within
You don't understand it
You let it slip by you every night

Your happiness comes
In seven explosions
In the seventh a mirror
You can return to
You see after all
You're not even in it
Then walk through the glass
As day passes through

Freedom...Freedom


''CLOSE MY EYES"


Ah, just for tonight...just for tonight
I can dream of you...something you don't understand


"FIGHTING/FROM THE EARTH"


Laughter stains the innocent
A funeral threat she never meant
Sirens outside prophesied
Never calmed the savage pride

Ha! Ha! Ha!...and on and on
Until the last demon's gone
When that ghost had gone away
With no one there I heard her say

I still haven't forgotten what I'm fighting for
Still haven't forgotten what I'm fighting for

Laughter once your greatest friend
Points and mocks you in the end
Terrible and terrified
On a corner where she cried

Bonds of leather around her wrists
What could be as fun as this?
And the leather's colored rust
And her face is black with dust
Except the lines below her eyes
A trail of all the tears she's cried
But she'll be well another day
But you didn't hear her say

I still haven't forgotten what I'm fighting for

Confusion and nothing more

I believe...In your eyes I see love, love my love
You've no heart...too far too far
See, I'm so far, I've been up there
See, I'm so far, I've been up there
Climb down...see I'm so far, I've been up there
Come down my love...I'm so far, I've been up there
Take my name, my love...I've been up there
You run...I'm so far, I've been up there
Run, too far, I'm so far, I've been up there
I've been up there...I've been up there
I've been in there...I've been in there

Does it make you wonder...what a faraway place
Does it make you wander to a faraway place
Transit unsuccessful...transit transit unsuccessful
We fall from the earth...far from the earth
Too far from the earth
Much too far...much too far


"LOVELESS LOVE SONG"


Light on
Holiest light on
See them vanish
You ain't safe anymore
You ain't safe anymore

Lovely light on
Loveless love song
Leave me out alone
You don't have to lock the door
Perfect for a circle in square
Circle in square

Lovely light on
Loveless long song
Looking out the door
He ain't safe for...
Loveless love song


"WILD THING"


originally performed by The Troggs

"CIRCLES (REPRISE)"


see Side A



(About 99% of the lyrics to "Melancholia" were easily deciphered. In a couple of instances where I could not understand a line I have noted it. On a couple of occasions I have added a word or two that I felt was probably in the spirit of the song. Like I said, some of these lyrics are decent, some are total crap. But they all pretty much sum up my state of mind at the time. Which, I suppose, must have been pretty bleak, seeing as how some of these songs almost come off as suicide notes. Oh, well. I feel a LOT better these days and my nihilistic streak had run it's course long ago).

I got Grandkids!

Last week, Saturday the 14th to be exact, was a monumental occasion for me in every sense of the word. It was a very important link in a chain of events that have turned my life around. In a good way. I was going to post about it the day after but for some reason I didn't get around to it. I never got around to it until now, and even now I don't think I'll be saying as much about it as I could probably say. That's because it's a long story filled with just as much pain as happiness. It would take me a few hours to set it out like it needs to be told and even then I don't know if I could explain it adequately. My version would be extremely biased and though I normally wouldn't let that stop me I thought it best to hold back for that reason as well. The occasion?

I saw my grandchildren for the first time on Saturday, April 14, 2012. I have a grandson, Joshua, who is 6 years old, and an 8 year old daughter named Jordan. I'd seen lots of pictures of them since regaining contact with my daughter. I knew a little bit about both of them. But last week was the first time I met them, talked with them, played with them.

What a handful, eh? I'd forgotten what it was like to spend a few hours in the rowdy company of energetic youngsters whose greatest desire at the time is to show you all of their toys. I'm fine with that...in fact I loved it when I was raising Bryan. But that was a long time ago so I'm definitely out of practice. Didn't take too long to get back in the swing.

Of course we took a few pictures of the occasion and I had originally wanted to post one here but on second thought decided it would be better not to seeing as how they are so young. I would have misgivings even if I'd secured permission from my daughter so sorry, no photos of the grandkids.

First, I find my daughter on the Internet. Second, we develop a relationship through facebook messages. Third, the relationship evolves as we begin speaking on the phone regularly. Fourth, we get together in person for the first time in many, many years (and I meet her husband). And now, my grandkids are finally part of my life, something which I thought would come about much later but I'm satisfied with the way it all turned out.

I've spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with all of this. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic about the whole thing. It's a lot of answered prayers and dreams come true. But I'm still having some difficulty trying to get a grip on the dynamics of the relationship, as I'm sure is the case for my daughter, as well. There was still some tension between the two of us...oh, I forgot...she invited me into her home, which may not sound like much to anyone who hasn't worked hard to regain confidence and restore a relationship, but as I see it the gesture is a vote of confidence (whether she realizes it or not) that tells me I'm on the right track. I've given her the opportunity to steer the course of the relationship since it first started.

The problem, as I see it, is the absence of shared experience. There's that huge, gaping hole of time when we could have been growing together, figuring out  what makes each other tick. All that time when we would have naturally grown comfortable in each other's presence is gone and there's no getting it back. That's kind of depressing, but on the other hand I guess discovering it should be exciting. I suppose it is, but she lives almost 2 hours from me. I don't have the means to go that far for regular visits. I need to spend as much time with her as is humanly possible to make up for what was lost. If she were even 50 miles from me I would go see her every day of the week...or at least every day that she wanted me to be there. I like to think that she feels the same way I do and would actually enjoy spending huge chunks of time with me.

When I talk about "shared experience" I'm not really trying to describe anything significant. Sitting together and watching a couple of DVDs, comfortable with each other's company. That would do worlds of good in easing the pressure of wondering "how to act" towards each other. Or to a movie, or a concert, or even just hanging out at Barnes & Noble for a couple of hours. My wife said something about us camping at Eufala lake. What she was actually suggesting was that we set up camp there and I could go visit her, since she lives fairly close to the lake, and it wouldn't be so much of a drive. I could stay longer or whatever. Somehow I got the impression that she was talking about my family and hers camping together...and I thought that would be a great idea. She agreed, it would, but now I think about it, my son would probably be uncomfortable in such a situation...not necessarily the situation but being with me in the situation. He's very obviously uncomfortable in my presence.

Which brings me to another dynamic in the relationship between my daughter and I. It kind of ties in with the last one. I am dealing with a teenage boy right now and it has effected almost every aspect of my life. It has not been easy. But when I feel like I have had enough and can't stand anymore I think about the years he was growing up, how close we were, how easy it was to communicate with him. That's all history, but at least I know that it won't be too long before this adolescent phase will be just as much so. The way I relate to him when that happens will be informed by all those different stages...

My daughter is 26 years old. I not only missed the growing up stages, I also didn't have to deal with whatever adolescent angst she surely displayed. I don't know how I would have reacted to it or what kind of impression it would have left on me in the way I would have communicated with her in the following years. Then there are those first few years of true independence she's already lived through. How do I work with that? Not to sound ungrateful or harsh, but it really is like talking with a stranger.

That is probably the key to understanding any uncomfortableness between she and I. We're basically strangers to each other. We've been working on making that a little less so, but it's not easy and it will take some time. Time we have given it, though, as we didn't really start talking on the phone until almost 5 years of facebook messaging. I have always been under the impression that something like this takes time.  I know I'm right about that. Even it was frustrating for me to wait for her to green-light a personal visit I knew what I was doing was necessary. I still believe I was, and am right.

I also believe that this time next year I won't need to be writing anything like this. It's a long drive, to be sure, but it didn't seem all that long heading up there last week (if you don't count the hassles I had getting lost on the way) and I kind of doubt it will feel that way in the future. What I need to do is have my old blue Saturn checked out, replace the broken CD player and get new tires. I'm sure I would have already resolved to go even a couple of times a week if I had thought of that by now. The wife drives about 50 miles a day to and from work, we really don't want to add miles to the "good" car. The Saturn has more miles on it that there are grains of sand on the beach. It's never, and I mean never had any serious problems. I would recommend a Saturn to anyone. Yeah, I think I'll get it fixed and ready, because I'm gonna see my little girl one way or another. Better more often than less.

And of course I'll want to see my grandkids. The ones I originally began this post writing about. Maybe soon I will get used to the idea of being a grandfather. As old as I feel (an unreasonable estimate) I still can't believe I'm old enough to be "gramps".