"Melancholia" Side A

"Melancholia" is a collection of songs I wrote and recorded between December 7-14, 1988. I  always thought of it as a proper "album" although the recording quality was far from being good enough to actually consider releasing. For that matter the performances aren't all that great. Many of the songs sound alike, as I was just then learning how to manipulate the D chord a little bit. It was recorded on a flimsy little cassette recorder in the shed my father built in our back yard when we first moved into the house. The last couple of years had found me committed, albeit voluntarily, in a mental hospital, staying in an assisted living facility and playing in one of the best bands I've ever been a part of over the summer. I'm not real sure where my head was at when I wrote this music. I had written a couple of songs that were good enough to use in the band and it's likely I hoped to pitch some of these to them, having left a few months before. The material was fresh when I recorded it, if memory serves. 

I've always been happy with "Melancholia" for what it is/was. I decided to publish the song lyrics here because even though there are some real clunkers in the mix, there are also some decent lines, maybe even a whole song or two (at most). Plus they kind of give a bit of insight into where my mind was at back then. Not a very happy picture, overall. Oh, well. Welcome to my world. Actually that's not fair, because a lot of the sentiment in "Melancholia" is juvenile, pretentious and posturing. That's what I had going for me in the late 80s.

"CIRCLES"  

This is the last time, nowhere left to turn

So let's walk to the south side and watch the crosses burn

I'm left with no feeling or reason to go on

I can see your face in fire and I know what went wrong

I'm running around in circles...'round and 'round we go

You ask me where I'm going to but I don't even know

I'm just runnin' around, not getting anywhere

Running around in circles

I tried to tell you but you wouldn't hear me out

Sometimes to get to you you know I think I have to shout

(Hey! Hey!)

You say this attitude is getting in the way 

You can blame my attitude when I'm lying in the grave

(Hey!)

Running around in circles...'round and 'round we go

You ask me where you're going to but I don't know

You're just runnin' around in circles, you're not getting anywhere

Running around in circles

I think I have to shout

I think I'll have to shout

I think I'll have to shout

Shout

"CONSISTENCY"

There are things I still don't understand

Happy couples walking hand in hand

Diderot's "Rameau's Nephew" "D'Alambert's Dream"

I read it a hundred times and still don't see

As it was before it soon believes

What I'd give for some consistency

And the lights go out

And the lies come down

And I still can make no sense of it at all

The thoughts are in my head are so surreal

I'm trying to sort out the way I feel

I see machines when I close my eyes

I can't sleep no matter how I try

I don't think you're listening, no

What I'd give for some consistency

And the lights go out

And the lies come down

And I still can make no sense of it at all
(...sense of it all...no sense of it at all)

And the lies come out

And the lights go down

And we still can make no sense of it at all

"SAM, YOU KNOW SHE'S DYING"

Sam, you know she's dying

And there's nothing you can do so let her go

The family's in the front room crying

Well it took so long but now I think they know

How do we tell her parents?

And how can we tell all her kids?

How will we tell anyone who gave a damn?

Because nobody did

Sam, you know she's dying

Her eyes are closed, she's comatose and grey

Well, I bet you thought that I was lying

But there's truth in every morbid word I say

It's too late now

And all her letters home you never read

They won't change a thing or resurrect that feeling

Or bring her back to you...she's dead

(...she's dead)

Sam, you know she's dying

Sam, you know...

"COLD WAR"

I looked into your empty faces

I saw it through your hollow eyes

They take me to familiar places

Like Heaven falling from the sky

I need to know there's something more

Answers we're not ready for

The congregation marches down the street

In a cold war

It's come to envelope us all

And just the realization

Could save country from a fall...

Annihilation

I need to know there's something new

Something we're prepared to do

Forced to kill to make a point

It's just another job for you

These hordes that gather nightly

To fade into a scene

Avoiding just to spite me

Afraid of what they've seen

It's come to envelope us all

And just the realization

Could save, save this country from a fall

"CLOWNS"

The stone-still faces and the shallow eyes

I've grown accustomed to

I hear the people laughing, their mocking sound always

Reminds me of you

I know they're laughing at me

And I've known it all along

I'm laughing, too

I try to reassess the situation and look at it

From every side

I live in desperation and when I hear your voice

I realize

I know you're laughing at me

And I've known it all along

I'm laughing, too

You're laughing at me
It's enough to make me cry

And I do

You're laughing at me

You're laughing at me

"MARK WHITE'S DEAD"

HEYYYYY!

Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!

Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!

He had no soul. He was a real asshole

He had no soul. He was a fuckin' asshole

Asshole!

Oh, Lord forgive me I know I have sinned but I

Just couldn't help it, he was getting on my nerves

Mark White's dead and nobody cares

Mark White's dead...nobody cares

Nobody cares

All of his friends were gone in the end

All of his friends were gone in the end

All of his friends were gone

When I killed him

Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!

Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!

"LESSONS"

Talked about the Golden Rule, I thought I had it down

Never called my brothers "fool" until they weren't around

Then I finally realized that I was just like them

And all the ones I criticized are teaching me again

These are the lessons that I've learned

These are the lessons that I've learned

These are the lessons that I've learned

Wished upon a lucky star and saw it falling down

I'm still wondering where you are, lying on the ground

Luck and hope are fantasies and dreams that don't come true

I have learned it painfully but I still wait for you

These are the lessons that I've learned

These are the lessons that I've learned

These are the lessons that I've learned

I've learned...I've learned

Wishing on a lucky star for you

Waiting 'til the end of time for you

"SOMEONE"

Is it too much for me to expect? 

Is there anyone who really understands?

I'm drowning and the audience just cheers

No one's reaching out for my hand

All I really need is someone who cares about me

All I want, all I need is

Someone

"We're not paid to have concern for you

You can't expect that from us"

I have no expectations now

Not hope or faith or trust...trust

If somehow I cried out to you

In a hopeless, desperate way

I don't think you would understand even then

I heard you laughing...you're laughing when I say

All I really need is someone who cares about me

All I want, all that I need is

Someone who cares

Who cares...

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

"LITTLE GIRL"

It could have been her mother holding her hand

But she seemed so much older, I don't understand

On the radio they told me who she was

Now I gotta have her simply just  because

I need a little girl...little girl

I need a little girl...little girl

She's old enough to be a mother, too

And I think I'd love her more than I love you

I'd like to hold her...I could be her man

She's got another woman by the hand

I need a little girl...alright

I need a little girl...a little girl

Little girls got crazy little looks

Got their little notepads and their little black books

Make me turn around and take another look

Another look

(Gotta turn the page, said Bob Seger...I like what I see)

Gotta be a reason for the way I feel

Sometimes I think I'm dreaming, that she can't be real

But I see her coming, I don't know where to start

I take their love...I tear it apart

Cause I need a little girl...just a little bit

A little girl...a little bit

And I want her...shit, I gotta have her

Need a little girl...just a little

(Hey, over there, I know you're not here, but Hi anyway!)

"KARI KARI"

I want to read her diary

And I want to read her poetry

I wanna get inside behind the shadow in her eyes

With open eyes she still can't see

She just smiles back at me

She's just like all the rest and I'll listen to all of her lies

Ooh, I want her for my own...like all the other guys do

Ooh, I want to call my own the sadness in her eyes

I want to find her address

I wanna ask her to marry me

I want to call her on the telephone and see if she's real

The phone rang twenty times

I loved her for her mind

No answer to justify the stupid way I feel

Ooh, I want her for my own...like all the other guys do

Ooh, I want to call my own the sadness in her eyes

The phone rang twenty times

I loved her for her mind

No answer to justify the stupid way I feel

"PILLS AND ALCOHOL"

Grown immune to change, I'm changing everyday

The blood that flowed so freely doesn't wash away

A stain that turns from crimson into something close to grey

Makes me want to laugh at you...makes me want to change

Can you take it seriously?

I just want to laugh

And I think He's smiling, too

I know you're talking about me and I know you're watching me

I oscillate from the thought that you might like what you see

I can look in the mirror and see someone I never knew

It's the same feeling I get when I'm looking at you

And I'm looking at you

And I'm looking to you

And I'm looking through you

And I'm looking through you

And I'm looking right through you

Right through you

No solutions in sight...pills and alcohol

No solution in sight, just pills and alcohol

Pills and alcohol... pills and alcohol

Pills and alcohol

I just wanna laugh at you

I just wanna laugh at you

"GAMES"

I was gonna leave until you caught my eye

With a wink you pulled me back into your velvet life

All the doors are locked, the windows closed and sealed

Can't get in or out of this crazy way I feel

And it seems so strange

I'm still not tired of your games

I've lost again

These are games I'll never win

You spoke of love, I know you spoke the truth

I sat for hours listening to you

Love letters and poetry that didn't rhyme

We were so anesthetized by time

Today I saw it as you walked right out of the room

Your smile had faded, you knew you were wrong

And it's always been the same

We both play our stupid little games

I've lost again

But these are games I'll never win

"WE DREAMED"

Your happiness forced, we've come to an end

The years that are left we only pretend

A smile or a hope uncomfortably rare

A dream we've forgotten...an unanswered prayer

We dreamed of a future bright as the sun

Each day as the first, we'd only just began

We dreamed of forever no matter the cost

We woke up together, another dream lost

Another dream lost

Death draws us closer while age tears apart

No more love songs and no broken hearts

You'll finally rest and leave me behind

Accustomed by now to living alone

"UNTITILED"

Happy is as happy was and all my songs sound alike

"DISTANCE AND DREAMING"

-instrumental-

"TO AUBREY"

(lyrics are improvised and mostly indecipherable)


Side B follows in the preceding post...