ORINTHIO: June 2012

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Liverpool Legends...June 26,2012...Branson Missouri

The wife's been itching for a vacation and I figured it would do me good as well to get out of the house for a few days. We decided to go to Branson, Missouri, which is basically a tourist trap for people in the heartland who won't commit to Vegas or the coasts. Not that I'm putting it down. There are a lot of cool places to see and things to do. The main draw of Branson is live shows. Mainly country and western tributes, "jubilees" and "jamborees". Mickey Gilley has a theater there. Jim Stafford as well. The Oak Ridge Boys is probably the most recognizable act to own their own theater in Branson. LOTS of tributes, impersonators, and artists who have passed their "heyday". Ticket vendors are everywhere.

I'd only been in Branson once before today. We stopped here for a while on the way home from a Sigur Ros concert in Kansas City. We didn't have time to do much of anything that day. There's a place called the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum that we checked out. A lot of fun. They've got a hologram of Walt Disney or somebody that I thought was fascinating. I'm obsessed with holograms.

The one attraction I saw at the time that really interested me was a big theater completely decked out in Beatles regalia and the words "Liverpool Legends" in big letters on a banner that hung over the entrance. It looked like a really big deal, obviously a Beatles tribute band. I didn't know if show was a long-running affair or for a limited time but I decided that if I ever came back to Branson I would go see Liverpool Legends.

So this opportunity came up to spend three nights in a really nice hotel in Branson that came with an entertainment package where we could pick two shows from a hefty list of the theaters and attractions on the strip. Even if I hadn't already decided on Liverpool Legends much earlier I would have picked it because it was the only show that looked even halfway worth seeing (speaking for myself...I don't know what the wife might have wanted to see...she already surmised we'd go to the Beatles thing). I'm not sure exactly how much we paid for the tickets since they were built in to the package but looking up their website I found that they typically went for around $30 apiece. Okay, that wasn't so bad if the production was at the level I hoped it would be.

I saw some video clips of the group and indeed they had a good sound. It was obvious that they'd spent a LOT of time getting the music down as perfectly as possible and to be sure they did bear striking resemblances to the original Fab Four...of course some of that visual magic was probably the work of stage make-up, lighting and precise placement of the group members.

They already had enough going for them, sight unseen, to pique my curiosity. I was already looking forward to the concert even when I read that Liverpool Legends is the only Beatles tribute band personally endorsed by George Harrison's sister. I guess that matters to some people. A seal of approval. It didn't mean all that much to me because I've seen two other Beatles tribute bands who were as good as any other could be...you can say that without having heard other bands for points of reference because the template is already established.

But enough build-up. Here we are in Branson and the concert was last night, I'm ready to reveal what I thought about the show...

We arrived at the Icon Theater, where the production was slated to happen. If it was the same building they played 4 years ago it no longer displayed the overwhelming Beatles imagery. There was a Volkswagen Beetle outside the front door painted in bright yellow with the band's name and the words "Yellow Submarine" and periscopes sticking out of the roof just like the cartoon submarine in the film of the same name.

The box office serves as a concession stand where people can wait for the show to begin. It is mandatory that the audience be in the building 30 minutes before the show. I couldn't figure out why that would be necessary, other than the possibility that it meant a lot of people getting tired of waiting and buying stuff the eat and drink. That's what I did. I ordered a coke. They only offer one size and it's $2.50. I couldn't tell you exactly how big it was but I'll guess 20 ounces. Did you get that? TWENTY OUNCES for TWO DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS!!! I don't think I've ever paid that much for a soda, ounce for ounce. They served bottled beer as well. I wouldn't venture a guess as to how much they were charging for those.

About 10 minutes before the show a line had formed in front of the stairway that led into the actual theater. Then about 5 minutes the door was opened and we all went in.

The first thing that struck me was the seating. Rows of restaurant chairs. Uncomfortable and tacky. The theater looks high class from the outside so I was taken aback that there weren't rows of cushioned seats. We were told it was "open seating". I suppose it would have to be seeing as how it's pretty hard to enforce seating arrangements of RESTAURANT CHAIRS. We sat toward the back, as I can't stand anything too loud and I thought it wouldn't be so bad if we were far enough away from the stage. Besides, the farther back you sit the more like the Beatles the band looks.

I should have known better by the size of the room. I've played in clubs that were bigger than this room. Some halfway decent lights were at the front of and behind the stage. The backdrop was a black curtain with little white "star" bulbs covering it. I decided that, despite my expectations realistic or otherwise, there would not be a multi-media presentation. Maybe I was spoiled by the production of "Rain" we say in Tulsa a couple of years ago, with it's excellent backdrops, stage settings and period costumes. Liverpool Legends was a far cry from that. They basically wore two outfits, one for each set. The first was, predictably, the collarless suit and tie. For the second they wore stuff from the "Help" period. Its what they wore during the performance of "The Night Before" in that movie. I thought for sure that would at least have Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band uniforms. Nope.

Even though we'd taken our seats in the back of the first set of seats, to hopefully get a break from the loudness, we were still blown away by ridiculous volume levels coming from the mains at the stage as well as speakers mounted above us (which we did not see, else we would have retreated even farther back into the second row of...uh...you got it...restaurant chairs. The combination of room size and volume was almost unbearable. We DID get up and go to the back during intermission. I spent a lot of time during that first set wondering if staying at the show was worth the hearing loss that would only exacerbate the tinnitus I already suffer from. I kept thinking about Mahler's 9th Symphony and how the ringing in the ear would make me depressed during the softer passages. That sounds crazy, I know. But it's true. There was absolutely NO reason why this show was this loud. None.

Okay...did the Liverpool Legends resemble the Beatles? Well, the distance from the stage would make all the difference in the world. Unfortunately, as I mentioned earlier, there wasn't enough space in the room for anyone to be far enough away from the stage to get the full effect. The "John Guy" probably looked the most like the person he was portraying. The "Paul Guy" bore a slight resemblance, though he had a lot of stage make-up on his face. He played his bass left-handed so that was a plus (even the "Paul Guy" from "Rain" was a right hand man). The "George Guy", to my eyes, looked more like Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits than George Harrison. Then there was the "Ringo Guy" who was kind of hard to see, being hidden behind the drums. He had the nose (prosthetic or real). He played with that unmistakable "Ringo Slouch" but lost points for being right-handed.

I know, it sounds like I'm really tearing them up here, but not really. All the issues I had with the program where with things that had nothing to do with the Liverpool Legends ability to mimic the Beatles, their singing and playing and performance style. A better production would have been much appreciated but all that, to me at least, takes a back seat to the group's talent.

And they were talented. I would have been able to appreciate that even more at a decent volume but I have to hand it to them, they succeed as a Beatles tribute band insomuch as they actually sound like the Beatles. The harmonies were really tight. The "Paul Guy" was the only one who struggled a little to sound like his character. I say that but actually he did sound a lot more like Paul McCartney than most people could. Musically they were very well rehearsed. It sounds trite but it's true, you could close your eyes, listen to the music and actually feel like you were hearing the real thing. The "George Guy" was especially impressive with his solos...he knocked the one from "Something" out of the park.

Song selection was okay. Could have been a lot better. No "I Want to Hold Your Hand" or "She Loves You", one of which I would think were mandatory for acts like this. Of all the great songs to choose from the White Album they chose the ridiculous "Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da". Well I suppose "Birthday" is on that one, too, and they did it justice. "No Reply" was good. A very nice take on "In My Life". I wish I could remember the song, but at one point "Paul Guy" actually forgot the first line...that was kind of hard for me to believe, all things considered. He recovered well, some people probably didn't even notice.

When they began playing "The End" I told my wife it would be the last song and we should leave immediately following...not because of the music or the show...it was the floor. For some reason it shook pretty hard a few times during that last several minutes. The audience in front of us were up and dancing pretty hard, but not hard enough to make the ground feel like an earthquake was happening. That's exactly what it felt like. Sort of rattled me and I wasn't bothered at all that the band kicked into an encore as we walked downstairs.

A strange thing, immediately following the show they had a booth set up where you could meet and greet the four members of the band and buy souvenirs and autographed memorabilia from them. I think they would even let you take pictures with them. Above and beyond the call of duty, I say. I had no desire to partake in that portion of the proceedings. I had no idea coming in that such a thing was scheduled. Why would I want a picture of myself posing with a guy who "kinda looks like a Beatle"? Or "kinda looks like Peter Noone" as the case may be.

To sum it all up, yes, I would see Liverpool Legends again, on the condition that the volume was at a reasonable level. I would also insist on a reduced ticket price based solely on the seating. And a seat in the back.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Photo Gallery June 19, 2012

Time to roll out some random pictures from my "Disposable" folder. I recently read the last post in my previous blog which was sort of laying out a plan for what one could expect from this one. For the most part I think I've remained true to that vision, with just a little tweaking to direct most of it's content towards sons, daughters, grandsons, granddaughters, on and on down the line until the Internet shuts down or Blogger deletes my account due to inactivity. Anyway, what I was going to say is that the description of this blog included a lot more random and/or personal photographs than I've posted.

I will correct that as of right now. Much more to come, I'm sure. Especially seeing as how we're going to Branson in a couple of weeks and I'll likely come back with tons of pictures to choose from and post.

The Uptown Theater, Kansas City, on the night I saw Sigur Ros for the second time.
I'm hoping that the next time I can post a photo of the venue where I see them
it will be one that is much, much closer to home.

Hands down the best series on television.
It's the only one I watch.
Unfortunately I ditched cable and am missing the 5th season.

A visit to Hamburger King.
The place practically smells of grease, but the best burgers I've ever eaten.
The phone, btw, is to place your orders with. Pretty cool, no?

"Admiral Fell Promises" by Sun Kil Moon
Got this when it first came out but for some reason didn't listen much.
I'm rectifying that. Great record.

A self-portrait.
Bruce Springsteen "Working on a Dream" tour t-shirt.
Cool "crumpled paper" photo effect makes me look so much better.

Sireeno Kin.
He looks pretty cute with a rawhide bone in his mouth, doesn't he?
He's a good dog. Most of the time.

A remnant from the days when I first got a photo editor.
It was a cheap one and didn't have a whole you could do with it
but it was fun and yielded some oddities such as this..

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Happy Father's Day

Friday, June 8, 2012

"Melancholia" Side A

"Melancholia" is a collection of songs I wrote and recorded between December 7-14, 1988. I always thought of it as a proper "album" although the recording quality was far from being good enough to actually consider releasing. For that matter the performances aren't all that great. Many of the songs sound alike, as I was just then learning how to manipulate the D chord a little bit. It was recorded on a flimsy little cassette recorder in the shed my father built in our back yard when we first moved into the house. The last couple of years had found me committed, albeit voluntarily, in a mental hospital, staying in an assisted living facility and playing in one of the best bands I've ever been a part of over the summer. I'm not real sure where my head was at when I wrote this music. I had written a couple of songs that were good enough to use in the band and it's likely I hoped to pitch some of these to them, having left a few months before. The material was fresh when I recorded it, if memory serves.

I've always been happy with "Melancholia" for what it is/was. I decided to publish the song lyrics here because even though there are some real clunkers in the mix, there are also some decent lines, maybe even a whole song or two (at most). Plus they kind of give a bit of insight into where my mind was at back then. Not a very happy picture, overall. Oh, well. Welcome to my world. Actually that's not fair, because a lot of the sentiment in "Melancholia" is juvenile, pretentious and posturing. That's what I had going for me in the late 80s.

"CIRCLES"

This is the last time, nowhere left to turn

So let's walk to the south side and watch the crosses burn

I'm left with no feeling or reason to go on

I can see your face in fire and I know what went wrong

I'm running around in circles...'round and 'round we go

You ask me where I'm going to but I don't even know

I'm just runnin' around, not getting anywhere

Running around in circles

I tried to tell you but you wouldn't hear me out

Sometimes to get to you you know I think I have to shout

(Hey! Hey!)

You say this attitude is getting in the way

You can blame my attitude when I'm lying in the grave

(Hey!)

Running around in circles...'round and 'round we go

You ask me where you're going to but I don't know

You're just runnin' around in circles, you're not getting anywhere

Running around in circles

I think I have to shout

I think I'll have to shout

Shout

"CONSISTENCY"

There are things I still don't understand

Happy couples walking hand in hand

Diderot's "Rameau's Nephew" "D'Alambert's Dream"

I read it a hundred times and still don't see

As it was before it soon believes

What I'd give for some consistency

And the lights go out

And the lies come down

And I still can make no sense of it at all

The thoughts are in my head are so surreal

I'm trying to sort out the way I feel

I see machines when I close my eyes

I can't sleep no matter how I try

I don't think you're listening, no

What I'd give for some consistency

And the lights go out

And the lies come down

And I still can make no sense of it at all
(...sense of it all...no sense of it at all)

And the lies come out

And the lights go down

And we still can make no sense of it at all

"SAM, YOU KNOW SHE'S DYING"

Sam, you know she's dying

And there's nothing you can do so let her go

The family's in the front room crying

Well it took so long but now I think they know

How do we tell her parents?

And how can we tell all her kids?

How will we tell anyone who gave a damn?

Because nobody did

Sam, you know she's dying

Her eyes are closed, she's comatose and grey

Well, I bet you thought that I was lying

But there's truth in every morbid word I say

It's too late now

And all her letters home you never read

They won't change a thing or resurrect that feeling

Or bring her back to you...she's dead

(...she's dead)

Sam, you know she's dying

Sam, you know...

"COLD WAR"

I looked into your empty faces

I saw it through your hollow eyes

They take me to familiar places

Like Heaven falling from the sky

I need to know there's something more

Answers we're not ready for

The congregation marches down the street

In a cold war

It's come to envelope us all

And just the realization

Could save country from a fall...

Annihilation

I need to know there's something new

Something we're prepared to do

Forced to kill to make a point

It's just another job for you

These hordes that gather nightly

To fade into a scene

Avoiding just to spite me

Afraid of what they've seen

It's come to envelope us all

And just the realization

Could save, save this country from a fall

"CLOWNS"

The stone-still faces and the shallow eyes

I've grown accustomed to

I hear the people laughing, their mocking sound always

Reminds me of you

I know they're laughing at me

And I've known it all along

I'm laughing, too

I try to reassess the situation and look at it

From every side

I live in desperation and when I hear your voice

I realize

I know you're laughing at me

And I've known it all along

I'm laughing, too

You're laughing at me
It's enough to make me cry

And I do

You're laughing at me

"MARK WHITE'S DEAD"

HEYYYYY!

Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!

He had no soul. He was a real asshole

He had no soul. He was a fuckin' asshole

Asshole!

Oh, Lord forgive me I know I have sinned but I

Just couldn't help it, he was getting on my nerves

Mark White's dead and nobody cares

Mark White's dead...nobody cares

Nobody cares

All of his friends were gone in the end

All of his friends were gone

When I killed him

Mark White's dead! I shot him in the head!

"LESSONS"

Talked about the Golden Rule, I thought I had it down

Never called my brothers "fool" until they weren't around

Then I finally realized that I was just like them

And all the ones I criticized are teaching me again

These are the lessons that I've learned

Wished upon a lucky star and saw it falling down

I'm still wondering where you are, lying on the ground

Luck and hope are fantasies and dreams that don't come true

I have learned it painfully but I still wait for you

These are the lessons that I've learned

I've learned...I've learned

Wishing on a lucky star for you

Waiting 'til the end of time for you

"SOMEONE"

Is it too much for me to expect?

Is there anyone who really understands?

I'm drowning and the audience just cheers

No one's reaching out for my hand

All I really need is someone who cares about me

All I want, all I need is

Someone

"We're not paid to have concern for you

You can't expect that from us"

I have no expectations now

Not hope or faith or trust...trust

If somehow I cried out to you

In a hopeless, desperate way

I don't think you would understand even then

I heard you laughing...you're laughing when I say

All I really need is someone who cares about me

All I want, all that I need is

Someone who cares

Who cares...

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

"LITTLE GIRL"

It could have been her mother holding her hand

But she seemed so much older, I don't understand

On the radio they told me who she was

Now I gotta have her simply just because

I need a little girl...little girl

She's old enough to be a mother, too

And I think I'd love her more than I love you

I'd like to hold her...I could be her man

She's got another woman by the hand

I need a little girl...alright

I need a little girl...a little girl

Little girls got crazy little looks

Got their little notepads and their little black books

Make me turn around and take another look

Another look

(Gotta turn the page, said Bob Seger...I like what I see)

Gotta be a reason for the way I feel

Sometimes I think I'm dreaming, that she can't be real

But I see her coming, I don't know where to start

I take their love...I tear it apart

Cause I need a little girl...just a little bit

A little girl...a little bit

And I want her...shit, I gotta have her

Need a little girl...just a little

(Hey, over there, I know you're not here, but Hi anyway!)

"KARI KARI"

I want to read her diary

And I want to read her poetry

I wanna get inside behind the shadow in her eyes

With open eyes she still can't see

She just smiles back at me

She's just like all the rest and I'll listen to all of her lies

Ooh, I want her for my own...like all the other guys do

Ooh, I want to call my own the sadness in her eyes

I want to find her address

I wanna ask her to marry me

I want to call her on the telephone and see if she's real

The phone rang twenty times

I loved her for her mind

No answer to justify the stupid way I feel

Ooh, I want her for my own...like all the other guys do

Ooh, I want to call my own the sadness in her eyes

The phone rang twenty times

I loved her for her mind

No answer to justify the stupid way I feel

"PILLS AND ALCOHOL"

Grown immune to change, I'm changing everyday

The blood that flowed so freely doesn't wash away

A stain that turns from crimson into something close to grey

Makes me want to laugh at you...makes me want to change

Can you take it seriously?

I just want to laugh

And I think He's smiling, too

I know you're talking about me and I know you're watching me

I oscillate from the thought that you might like what you see

I can look in the mirror and see someone I never knew

It's the same feeling I get when I'm looking at you

And I'm looking at you

And I'm looking to you

And I'm looking through you

And I'm looking right through you

Right through you

No solutions in sight...pills and alcohol

No solution in sight, just pills and alcohol

Pills and alcohol... pills and alcohol

Pills and alcohol

I just wanna laugh at you

"GAMES"

I was gonna leave until you caught my eye

With a wink you pulled me back into your velvet life

All the doors are locked, the windows closed and sealed

Can't get in or out of this crazy way I feel

And it seems so strange

I'm still not tired of your games

I've lost again

These are games I'll never win

You spoke of love, I know you spoke the truth

I sat for hours listening to you

Love letters and poetry that didn't rhyme

We were so anesthetized by time

Today I saw it as you walked right out of the room

Your smile had faded, you knew you were wrong

And it's always been the same

We both play our stupid little games

I've lost again

But these are games I'll never win

"WE DREAMED"

Your happiness forced, we've come to an end

The years that are left we only pretend

A smile or a hope uncomfortably rare

A dream we've forgotten...an unanswered prayer

We dreamed of a future bright as the sun

Each day as the first, we'd only just began

We dreamed of forever no matter the cost

We woke up together, another dream lost

Another dream lost

Death draws us closer while age tears apart

No more love songs and no broken hearts

You'll finally rest and leave me behind

Accustomed by now to living alone

"UNTITILED"

Happy is as happy was and all my songs sound alike

"DISTANCE AND DREAMING"

-instrumental-

"TO AUBREY"

(lyrics are improvised and mostly indecipherable)

Side B follows in the preceding post...

"Melancholia" side B

"THE LIGHT IS FADING"

I take this seriously...these things you understand
You think I'm special but I am just a man
Not much of one at that...so many times I've failed
(unintelligible)

The light is fading slowly
In the distance, in an instant, in the sun
I'm a liar, I'm the fool, I'm the one

The taste of blood is not sweet...did you know it's on your breath
The sick, sweet smell of poison, the aftertaste of death
I take this seriously...is there something wrong?
Please let me know...I heard it in a song
(...in a song)

The light is fading
In the distance, in an instant, in the sun
I'm a liar, I'm the fool, I'm the one

"HOUSE"

(This is the House...here we go...)

House...House...House...House...
Home...Home...Home...Home...
House....House....House....House...House... House
Home...Home...Home...Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!

House...House...House...
My house is not a home
It's not a home
Home...Home...House...Hahaha...House
This house is not a home
Home
House is not a home
It's just a house
It's not even a nice house
It's not even a big house
It's sure ain't the White House

It's not a house, it's my home
It's my home...Home?
House!
House house house!
Hey, can you hear me out there?
I'm talking about my home
I'm talking about wonderin' how to play the guitar with some confidence
Confidence in my house
House...I'm talking about the house
And the house on the hill
And the house in hell
The home of the devil and all his sweet demons
And all his...mutha...
In the house....House....House....House....

How am I going to end this song?
I'll sing about my home...home...
In my
HOUSE!!!!!!!!

"AS IT SEEMED"

Love is real in storybooks and pictures in my mind
In the world it's not the same, and so, so hard to find
If we dream of love and peace we only fool ourselves
And we reach our dying day in our own private hell

Seems so real we want to believe
In the end we've been deceived
Love is only real in our dreams
And nothings as it seemed

I love you and you love me, like some romantic song
That I used to sing for you...I believed it for too long
And now the truth creeps in on me and now I realize
The stories told in Sunday school were lies

Seems so real we want to believe
But in the end we've only been deceived
Love is only real in our dreams
Nothing's as it seemed
Nothings as it seemed

I wanna ask her to marry me
I wanna see if she's real
No answer to justify...

"ALL TOMORROW' S PARTIES"

words and music by Lou Reed

"LOVE WILL TEAR US APART"

lyrics by Ian Curtis
music by Curtis, Sumner, Hook, Morris

"DISCOVERY"

Understand
We search for a reason
In the rain that falls on your head
Longing to fly
In every direction
Held down
(unintelligible)

This was your goal
Yes, this was your freedom
This is your life
Uncomfortably numb
No vision, no prayers
No reason to go on
You wait for an answer that just doesn't come

Freedom discovery...screaming discovery
Design discovery...challenge discovery
Discovery

Still you won't cry
You cling to your manhood
Or some set of rules
That makes you feel right
It comes from within
You don't understand it
You let it slip by you every night

Your happiness comes
In seven explosions
In the seventh a mirror
You can return to
You see after all
You're not even in it
Then walk through the glass
As day passes through

Freedom...Freedom

''CLOSE MY EYES"

Ah, just for tonight...just for tonight
I can dream of you...something you don't understand

"FIGHTING/FROM THE EARTH"

Laughter stains the innocent
A funeral threat she never meant
Sirens outside prophesied
Never calmed the savage pride

Ha! Ha! Ha!...and on and on
Until the last demon's gone
When that ghost had gone away
With no one there I heard her say

I still haven't forgotten what I'm fighting for
Still haven't forgotten what I'm fighting for

Laughter once your greatest friend
Points and mocks you in the end
Terrible and terrified
On a corner where she cried

Bonds of leather around her wrists
What could be as fun as this?
And the leather's colored rust
And her face is black with dust
Except the lines below her eyes
A trail of all the tears she's cried
But she'll be well another day
But you didn't hear her say

I still haven't forgotten what I'm fighting for

Confusion and nothing more

I believe...In your eyes I see love, love my love
You've no heart...too far too far
See, I'm so far, I've been up there
See, I'm so far, I've been up there
Climb down...see I'm so far, I've been up there
Come down my love...I'm so far, I've been up there
Take my name, my love...I've been up there
You run...I'm so far, I've been up there
Run, too far, I'm so far, I've been up there
I've been up there...I've been up there
I've been in there...I've been in there

Does it make you wonder...what a faraway place
Does it make you wander to a faraway place
Transit unsuccessful...transit transit unsuccessful
We fall from the earth...far from the earth
Too far from the earth
Much too far...much too far

"LOVELESS LOVE SONG"

Light on
Holiest light on
See them vanish
You ain't safe anymore
You ain't safe anymore

Lovely light on
Loveless love song
Leave me out alone
You don't have to lock the door
Perfect for a circle in square
Circle in square

Lovely light on
Loveless long song
Looking out the door
He ain't safe for...
Loveless love song

"WILD THING"

originally performed by The Troggs

"CIRCLES (REPRISE)"

see Side A

(About 99% of the lyrics to "Melancholia" were easily deciphered. In a couple of instances where I could not understand a line I have noted it. On a couple of occasions I have added a word or two that I felt was probably in the spirit of the song. Like I said, some of these lyrics are decent, some are total crap. But they all pretty much sum up my state of mind at the time. Which, I suppose, must have been pretty bleak, seeing as how some of these songs almost come off as suicide notes. Oh, well. I feel a LOT better these days and my nihilistic streak had run it's course long ago).