It's that time again!

It's time for a few more pictures of the dog! 'Nuff said!

SIREENO KIN!!!

"View from a Keyhole"

I really do think this is one of my best poems. You are invited to compare it with a good chunk of the rest at Bipolar Confessional.

"View from a Keyhole"


I see you hiding beneath
Old shirts and memories
Dirty jeans and worn-out shoes
That have walked a saddening mile
Weakest armour of cloth
Ripped and torn by cruel adolescence
Cursed with hate or blessed with indifference
I see you in there


Surrounded by toys
Some broken, unneeded
I see you and I know that you want to play with them
But time seems to have withdrawn permission
Or maybe you're frightened
Of how happy they once made you
Reluctantly believing they will never again make you smile or laugh
For they have become little more than fodder for the garbage heap
You find yourself beneath


On the other side of the locked door
I bend to peek through the keyhole
Expecting no more than shadows on the wall
But I see you


I've watched you walk in...
(you didn't know I was there...sorry)
...and it broke my heart
To see how swiftly you ran to the door
To behold the look of relief on your face
That broke up and melted the death mask of grief
Saved by grace
When you stepped in and turned the lock
A beaten veteran getting off a plane, whose salvation is the tarmac beneath him
You kiss the dirty carpet and call this place "home"


"How can a man be born when he is old?
can he enter the second time
into his mother's womb, and be born?"
Behind a locked door
You found the answer
Discerning flesh from flesh and spirit from Spirit
From the crowded confines of  your mother's womb


I wanted so badly to see the look on your face when you emerged
Refreshed and ready to battle demons
Or downcast, crestfallen for another day
It would have been worth the waiting hours to bear witness
To the power of this basement haven
Alas, sleep was not as curious
I could not risk your discovering me
Where I was not meant to be
Fallen from my hands and knees
Best to settle for forbidden glimpses through a keyhole
Best you didn't know I'd stolen a tiny part of your soul


I see you there, hiding from the light
Books on shelves half read or dog-eared to the very ends
A hardback Bible, the binding cracked, it's pages would spill out on the floor if not for your curiosity
66 books held tightly in your grasp to hold them together
In order
Camus, King...Baldwin, Irving...tattered paperback
Koran, Augustine...Srimad Bhagavatam, L. Ron Hubbard...sturdy hardback, spines still cracking
Barnes & Noble books unnaturally pinched between mold smelling garage sale bargains and bulky Salvation Army bookends (Webster's Dictionary, Complete Works of Shakespeare, Bullfinch's Mythology, Asimov's Chronology of Science & Technology...anything thick and sturdy enough to squeeze in a row of lesser volumes)
I see all those books but I don't see you reading them
Still, I don't wonder why they are there


I only wonder of you
Why you lie like a skeleton
Beneath piles of junk


I only wonder how
You find comfort there
And not in the arms of the ones who love you

Music service merry-go-round

Much has happened on the subscription music service front. Many times I have thought about writing about it. Many more times I have decided against it because I just haven't been in the mood to write much of anything. Well, that's only partly true. A few times I started something and gave it up a couple of paragraphs in because it was so lame. Or I should say it was lamer than the norm I've established on this blog....

Okay, that's not fair. I think I write halfway decent for a personal blog that will be viewed by very, very few people. It was never meant to be about quality writing, anyway. Nevertheless, the subscription music service situation since I last posted has been interesting (at least to me) and something I am up for writing about.

(Actually I have written two or three scraps of poetry that I don't think are too bad. They can be found at Bipolar Confessional, a clearinghouse for all of my poetic inspiration.)

So, when last we met I had cancelled my SiriusXM Satellite Radio, a service which had served me fairly well during the last 8 years. I did it to save $5 a month by switching to Spotify for my streaming music needs. However, when I got fed up with the loathsome Spotify iPhone app and a few connection drop-outs I decided to switch to Rhapsody. There was a 2-week free trial on it, and as far as I knew I was on a month-long freebie with Spotify (which didn't turn out to be the case when they renewed my membership after I cancelled...at least I thought I cancelled, I only let it slide because I wasn't sure I'd done it right). I knew that Spotify used higher bitrate files than Rhapsody and yes, I was concerned that the sound quality would be an issue. Still, the music database of Rhapsody is incredibly huge...whether it's bigger than Spotify's, I don't know, but they do have stuff that Spotify doesn't...I also really liked Rhapsody's music/song organization capabilities. They definitely beat Spotify hands down on that front. To top it all off in Rhapsody's favor, I never had any problems with their iPhone app. It was easy to use, though I couldn't say if it was easier than Spotify's because theirs kept crashing on me before I had the chance to notice.

Well, here's how it all turned out. I found that Rhapsody's sound quality was a much bigger issue than I though it would be. I didn't think I'd notice it what with my crappy hearing, but it was very noticeable. I decided to ditch it before they got the chance to charge me and re-upped with Spotify. I screwed that up, too, because I clicked on "renew subscription" with a almost 2 weeks left on the month I hadn't wanted anyway. I know, I'm a wimp for not sticking up for myself. But it was just so much easier to take the loss without going through the bs that would surely accompany fixing it up.

The iPhone app situation still bugs me. I've tried everything I know of to do...deleting and re-installing from the phone itself, deleting and installing from iTunes, nothing works. All I can do is hope and wait for an update that addresses the issue. I like the service, and use it enough to justify paying $10 a month to use on my PC alone. Hopefully they'll will come out with an Android version I can use on my Kindle Fire and even more hopefully it will be free. Not that this will atone for the worthless iPhone app. They're a growing company, more users everyday, they've got Mark Zuckerberg offering rave blurbs for crying out loud. SURELY it's only a matter of time before they get all of this ironed out.

Here's the kicker. I guess it had been at least a couple of months after I cancelled SiriusXM and I'm not ashamed to admit I was starting to miss it. I knew I would. I'm positive the marketing geniuses at SiriusXM have a perfect understanding of when someone is missing the service the most after cancelling...and that's when they send the bargain "Come back and we'll give you a hell of a deal" offers. 6 months for $25. When you consider that a typical month of SiriusXM service runs a bit over $15 you have to admit, this is a well-baited hook. We had a little extra money put back so I swallowed my pride and hooked it back up, this time with the understanding that I WOULD keep the Spotify along with it.

That's where I'm at now. Definitely noticing the better sound quality on Spotify. Sometimes I still get connection drop-outs and they are very, very annoying (especially when listening to a classical piece). For now I'm content to bite the bullet. The XM is hooked up in the bedroom, where it always was. I listen to it every night before falling asleep. So glad to be able to "channel surf" again. Sound quality is disappointing but I'm almost convinced that the problem there is with the stereo system I've got it running through. A new one should be at the top of my wishlist.

not gonna mourn for Whitney...

Question: Do you agree with governor Chris Christie's decision to fly the flag at half mast as a memorial to Whitney Houston? Why or why not!

Answer: A flag flying at half staff indicates the mourning of a public official, a fireman, a policeman, a war hero... Someone who has served the public. A president, a representative, and yes, a fallen soldier (although if we were to memorialize every man and woman lost in battle the flag would be at half mast every day, and who's to say that wouldn't be appropriate, but these heroes fight for the freedom that is symbolized by the flag, it's more a memorial for them that it fly high because they gave their lives so that it might).

A half mast flag should be reserved for someone to whom all members of the community/country owe a debt of gratitude to. With all due respect to Whitney Houston, she was a pop star. A talented pop star. How many other talented musicians and artists have died without notice from anyone but longtime fans? Or even big name stars that everyone has heard of? They made music that appealed to a segment of the population.

Those of us who are indifferent to her music? What has she ever done for us? The soldier died for us. The president kept the country running. The governor spoke for us. The senator/congressman took our concerns to the corridors of power. The policeman protects and serves. The fireman risks his life battling the forces of nature. Whitney Houston? She had a slew of hits early in her career. She made a movie that recieved, for the most part, universal bad reviews, she tried really, really hard to make a comeback, with no success, in what was very likely an attempt to keep her name in the public eye she participated in a reality television show in which she displayed many less-than-admirable character issues...you'd be more likely to see her on the cover of the National Enquirer than Billboard...

I don't mean to belittle her or cheapen her career accomplishments...God knows there are few out there who would not give an arm or a leg for the success she had. My point is that we don't owe her anything.

I know I don't. I am sensitive enough to feel saddened by her loss, just as I would the passing of anyone who I knew, in the real world or through the vehicle of pop culture, television, radio, etc. But I will not mourn her. I will not grieve her, any more than I would grieve for the people whose names and pictures I see in the obituary column of the newspaper. It's not because I didn't appreciate her music (I don't) or even that I don't appreciate her contributions to music in general (although I'm hard pressed to come up with any). I simply can't figure out, for the life of me, why I should care. It boggles my mind that so many do, on such a massive scale.

Still I'd be willing to bet that there are more people in this country who could care less. Who never bought a Whitney Houston CD. Who never took notice when one of her songs came on the radio. People to whom her music never spoke. She didn't owe that to us, it's true. But she didn't do it for us, either.

I could care less about the fact that she used drugs. That's not the point, at least it's not for me...I think it probably is a valid point, but it's not the main one that keeps me from patting Chris Christie on the back and congratulating him for recognizing Whitney Houston as "New Jersey's native daughter". I mean, that's the most legitimate reason I've heard for lowering the flag. I can see the logic in it. But when it's all said and done I still have to stick with my original position that she simply hasn't met the requirements.
IMHO, because I don't make the rules.

Mardel

The wife had a doctor's appointment Wednesday in Tulsa and, as is my custom, I drove her there. We usually make a day of it, eating out and going to Barnes & Noble or some other store she likes (Hobby Lobby & Michaels). This time we ate before we left. The lunch specials at Juana's Mexican Restaurant here in town are delicious and affordable. In fact, my favorite dish, the enchilada platter, is the same one served both on the special and later, but costs a couple of dollars less. As usual we were filled up and satisfied with the food and the price. In the many, many times I've eaten at Juana's I've only had one bad experience and that was when the ground beef in my enchiladas seemed to be slightly undercooked. We'd only eaten there a couple of times when that happened so I was a bit concerned. I needn't have been.

So, the appointment lasted a little longer than I thought it would, but that was okay. I had my iPhone to keep me company during the wait. In particular, the DaVinci pinball app I bought around Christmas time. I've got 9 different pinball tables from Gameprom, which is the best app developer for games of this sort. DaVinci is good, although it seems to be a bit lunkie and slower4 than the others. Compared to my Slayer table it is the turtle racing the hare. Still a lot of fun, though.

Instead of going to Barnes & Noble we opted for Mardel Christian Bookstore. Now don't get me wrong: I love Mardel. It's like the Wal-Mart of Christendom. So huge to be a bookstore. And that's because...it's NOT.

Well, it IS...at least to say that it does sell books. I would go so far as to say that books probably make up the majority of their sales. Not by much, though. They have a huge section devoted to Christian music CDs and DVDs. A relative ton of them (I mean, it's no Sam Goody's, but for one particular genre it's quite impressive). Most of the music in this inventory is saccharine CCM, Christian "rock", southern gospel and Praise & Worship (apparently the most popular sub-genre). When I was much younger (like 17-21 years old) I loved several "contemporary Christian" artists and bands. Daniel Amos was a favorite. Resurrection Band. Keith Green. John Michael Talbot. A lot more. I still think most of that stuff is great music. But I loathe almost all CCM produced in the last 20 years. I wonder about that. I mean, one of the reasons I loved those records is because I could relate to them in different ways. As a Christian, yes, but also in an artistic sense...Daniel Amos, especially, appealed to some hidden intellectual process in my brain (whether it was ever revealed is not evident). I assume that the kids buying Newsboys & Switchfoot discs have a similar connection to that music. Similar touchstones we share in common that make Christian music appealing. So why can't I stand that stuff? What would the CCM consumers of today think of the music I listened to in the early 80s? Would they be able to appreciate it on the strength of "the message" alone? Regardless of the musical style? Because I'll be honest with you...I can't. I think the message is watered down, and even if it wasn't there's still something about it that turns me off. This is exactly how the "anti-Jesus Music" people of my youth felt about the music I liked.

I don't know what all that means, or if it means anything at all. I suppose I could put some thought into it and look for connections and reasons, but this isn't even what I came here to write. I was talking about Mardel, remember?

Mardel...home of the tacky "Christian t-shirts". I've already written a bit about this on my old blog. If you're interested you may find it here: A COMMENTARY ON THE SAD STATE OF RELIGIOUS/ATHEIST SLOGANEERING APPAREL. I don't know if there's anything more to say about them than I did in that article. I couldn't force myself to wander to that section of the store to read them. I literally cringe. I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a single one of them in public, and that's not because I'm ashamed of the gospel or Jesus or anything like that. It's just, WHY? What is the point in wearing them? People aren't going to be intrigued because they're ALL stupid. People are going to laugh, that's what. And they're not laughing at your shirt. It's YOU, because you would wear something so inane. It's YOU, because your evangelistic technique includes ridiculous garments. It's YOU because they know that the main reason you wear them is so you can a.) fit in with a certain clique and b.) repel those who want nothing to do with that same clique.

That's harsh, I know. There are a lot more variables that go into the decision to don such polarizing clothing and no doubt I have barely grazed the surface. But if you think THAT'S crazy and absurd, check this out: Mardel sells CHRISTIAN THEMED BLUE JEANS! Surely with this product we have come to the end of a long road that has seen the gospel of Jesus Christ perverted into all manner of commercial chattel. Who knows. I never would have envisioned hats and shirts and jeans. Maybe it's the norm today. Maybe there are still a few more miles down that road. Jesus themed bras & panties? A Jesus jock strap? Oh, it's so disgusting to think of the day when even that crap has saturated the market and the dealers have to think of something else with which they can mark with religion. Sex toys? If there's to be a rapture surely we'll be long gone history before that innovation.

Mardel...yeah, Mardel. That's what we were talking about. It seems that Mardel is Home School Supply Central. School books and crafts and whatever else you need to turn your den into a classroom. I don't want to talk about the merits, or otherwise, of home schooling here, because frankly I'm just not in the know. My wife seems to thing that it's a good thing, and since education is what she does I suppose her opinion holds some water. But what I don't understand is why, as one might surmise by Mardel's massive supply stock, is the practice so very popular with Christians? Is there really such animosity, for whatever reason, towards the public school system that so many people believe it should be avoided at all costs? Isn't one of the most important things about public school the opportunity to develop on a social level with several different personality types and, in larger cities, cultural and sociological differences? How can kids pick that up if they're insulated, the only student in a school called home? It's no secret that a lot of Christian people who remove their children from that environment will see to it that they are surrounded by others of the same faith. How can a kid be expected to survive in the "real world" if he's kept, Amish-style, out of that arena?

Another topic I could sit around and dwell on all day. But I should wrap this up. The only other things I was wanting to mention were:

a.) The book selection at Mardel is great. Even if a good 75% (at least) of the stock is lightweight self-help stuff. The deep theology selection is parallel to none in the state.

b.) There are enough Bibles in that store that if all the pages were pulled out, pasted together and put to use as wallpaper, you would be able to cover every room in the Empire State Building. Tons of Bibles, the majority of which are the currently popular New International Version translation. And they ain't cheap.

I don't need a Bible. I got plenty. But I will take that 4-in-1 volume of Norman Geisler's "Systematic Theology".

The guy behind the counter at Ken's Pizza told me (and my wife) that I looked like Russell Crowe. What can you say about that???

update

It's been awhile since I've updated this blog. I don't live the most interesting life. I don't even have opinions on a whole lot of things because frankly I'm not interested in a whole lot of things. Maybe that's what happens when you have bipolar disorder. If that's the case I should know it by now. I'm sure that's part of it, but I don't really feel up to explaining why it is the way it is. I don't like to dwell on the fact that I have bipolar disorder. Hell, I've lived with it for 25+ years, it's about time I accepted it and moved on with my life. Easier said than done, my friends. But you won't find me expecting anyone to feel sorry for me. On the contrary, I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with me on a regular basis.

I've had pink eye for the last couple of days and it looks like it's not letting up for the third. How nasty! Just the words "pink eye", that's disgusting! Makes me think of a pig. Left eye itches somewhat and burns just a little. It's watery and at times seems to throb. That sounds pretty bad, but actually it's not bothering me too much. I have so many problems with my eyes that this doesn't get to me as much as it might someone else. That said, I'm ready for it to subside.

The wife and I both ordered Kindle Fire's Saturday night. I don't know how long she had been seriously considering getting one, but it was definitely a "spur-of-the-moment" thing for me. Which was pretty fun, because I've (we've) never before been in a financial position that we could really afford to drop $200 on a whim. We certainly don't NEED the Kindles, although I've wanted one since they first came out. Actually had preferred a "regular" Kindle, not a Fire, but now that I'm more familiar with their capabilities I am more inclined towards owning the latter. Cool, and yes, I am excited about it.

Have spoken to my daughter, Aubrey, on the phone several times since we got together last December. I'm still kind of in shock that this re-union has come about the way it has. It has restored my faith in God, and I mean that IN A BIG WAY. There's nothing like a an answered prayer to make you realize where your heart has really been all along, why it was there in the first place and how it's not going anywhere...that makes no sense. I know. But here's the deal, and though I wasn't looking to say anything "religious" in this post, I guess I've crossed the line and I'm gonna have to...

I can't count the number of times I've asked myself, "am I really a Christian?" I'm weak. I'm full of doubts. I get lost in the shuffle of what "Christians" are "supposed" to believe and their reasons WHY. I've been discouraged and denied God's existence. I've turned towards other religions & philosophies trying to fill that void.  On the other side of the coin, I've lived many years in which my Christianity was a weak substitute for the real thing. A faith dependent upon feelings at times. At others it was a way to buffer my insecurities against what I perceived to be threats from "the secular world". God had turned into a hobby, and I read the books, listened to the music, bought the t-shirts...even though I was sincere it was evident that what I was living had little to do with the actual gospel, other than a token acknowledgment. Then there were the times when my faith was too dependent upon apologetics and I more or less ignored the role of the Holy Spirit in the conversion and maintenance of the believer's faith. Even when it became obvious that the ONLY real difference between atheists and Christians was the acceptance of the Supernatural, I wanted to provide more solid "proof". Not saying here that there may or may not be such further "proof", but if there is I haven't heard anything about it. And then there was the time when I got so caught up in theology, in the beliefs of Calvin, Luther, Barth, etc., in the doctrines of predestination, election & reprobation, all that stuff and more, that I became so confused as to have no other choice but to walk away from it all.

Through all that...am I a Christian? I have to respond, yes. This has nothing to do with answered prayers, although as I wrote earlier, the answered prayer brought me a real assurance and helped me put my faith into context. I became a Christian in 1977, at Falls Creek Baptist Assembly in Davis, Oklahoma. I don't know why I "discount" that initial conversion experience. It probably has much to do with the fact that there were no "bells and whistles" that evening when I went to the altar. I sometimes second guess WHY I did it. A lot of the kids who "made decisions" at Falls Creek did it because obviously it seemed like the thing to do. Their friends were doing it. "Getting Saved" put you in a clique there. It was a club that grew bit by bit over the course of the week spent at camp. I'm not going to question the sincerity of those people, and I'm surely not going to wonder if their salvation was "real" or not, based on whatever reason they had to profess Christ while there. But it's not the way I would have done it. If I had gone to the front because of peer pressure I would not believe, to this day, that I'd been forgiven and "saved" (that word's kind of been beaten to death, I almost hate to use it).

I never would have done it like that, and though my memory is hazy, I don't think I did. But why did I do it? It wasn't because of a fiery sermon, even though the messages were always good at Falls Creek and they had excellent preachers. I didn't feel a jolt at a particular time during the invitation. I didn't really "feel" anything, to be honest. All I know is that I got up out of the hard wooden  pew I was sitting in, and I walked to the front. It almost felt like floating. I got up there and made my confession, then walked back to my seat, choosing not to "discuss my decision" with the "counsellors" that were standing by.

A lot of the kids who had "conversion experiences" at camp seemed to be high on cloud 9 during the days after. Like they'd turned into saints over night, as intent upon saving souls as Billy Graham on crusade night. I'm not really trying to demean them or their reaction to the week at Falls Creek. After all, it must have been a very powerful experience to have affected even such a peer driven reaction as this. Memories are slippery things and I could very well be wrong, but I don't recall being a part of that sect. If I was, it would have had to be in a limited capacity, because I never was accepted by any "peers" I might have had. I certainly don't remember running with a new crowd.

Well, I knew this would happen. I'm not even close to saying what I really wanted to, but I'm ready to put this computer down and fix some pepper beef for lunch. I won't be getting back to it until who knows when? So, the condensed version is this: I'm a Christian, have been since '77. I believe in the doctrine of eternal security and even more so the law of grace.

Later.